Three times in three weeks.
That’s how many times I’ve found myself sitting alone at a coffee shop, checking my watch, scrolling through emails, and eventually realizing my scheduled meeting wasn’t going to materialize. Each time, I’d driven 20 minutes to meet someone who had requested the meeting. Each time, I received an apologetic message after I’d already arrived.
Let me be clear: none of these no-shows were due to emergencies. They were the result of forgotten appointments, failure to update calendars, or perhaps something more appealing coming along. And each time, I found myself asking: in what professional universe is this acceptable?
As someone who values connection and respects the power of networking, this pattern has been particularly disheartening. I’ve long prided myself on making time for people who reach out, believing that meaningful relationships often begin with a simple cup of coffee.
OK, OK, I agree, this is a two-way responsibility. I’ll be the first to admit I’m not perfect. I’ve never been great at sending those “looking forward to seeing you tomorrow” confirmation messages the day before. Perhaps that’s part of the problem, and I need to own my role in this dance. But, I’ve always operated under the assumption that as professionals, we’re capable of managing our own calendars. When we make commitments, we honor them. Is that expectation outdated in our notification-dependent world?
Bottomline: Professional courtesy doesn’t need to be complicated. It’s about respect—for others’ time, energy, and goodwill. So how do we fix this increasingly common problem? I believe it starts with acknowledging some basic responsibilities on both sides of the coffee cup…
For those who requested the meeting (and didn’t show up):
- If you ask for someone’s time, treat it as the valuable resource it is
- Set multiple reminders if you tend to forget appointments
- Give adequate notice if you need to reschedule (before the other person has arrived!)
- Remember that reliability is a cornerstone of your professional reputation
For those who showed up (like me):
- Consider implementing a confirmation system, even if it feels unnecessary
- Be clear about how long you’ll wait before moving on with your day
- Have a backup plan so the trip isn’t wasted (bring work or reading)
- Don’t take it personally—life happens, things come up, systems fail
Despite my frustration, I’m not giving up on coffee meetings. They remain one of the most valuable tools in building meaningful professional relationships. But perhaps it’s time for all of us to refresh our commitment to calendar etiquette. After all, the most powerful connections begin with the simplest foundation: showing up when you say you will.
What are your thoughts? Have you experienced similar situations? How do you handle the delicate balance of confirmation without micromanagement? I’d love to hear your perspective.
Until next time—I’ll be at the coffee shop, hopefully not alone.
Happy Networking!
3 times in 3 weeks? I can’t blame you for wanting to address this topic head on! I’m not 100% but I do try to send a confirmation of my coffee meetings the day before. My question is this…do you allow no-shows to reschedule with you? Or do you just move on? I’m hoping the no-shows are bending over backward to make it up to you and offering to meet where it is convenient for you next time and coffee should be on them!
Alana,
I always enjoy reading your posts (and should tell you so more often).
This one resonates with me – even though I’m not doing nearly the volume of meetings that you are, you’re definitely not alone in this phenomenon. Although 3 in one week is a pretty rough go of it.
I am curious – when you’ve been stood up, do you always give the person a second chance? Or does it depend on the circumstances? I’ve kind of developed a loose protocol that if they appear to genuinely be sorry and they made an attempt to communicate, then I’m open to another go. But if they kind of gloss over the whole thing, then I’m pretty much done with them.
Thanks for sharing – and have a better week!
Shawn
Thank you for this! I just had the same experience last week and have been debating whether to reschedule or not. I’m not giving up on coffee meetings—I enjoy them— but I will be owning my part and giving myself permission not to reschedule if I don’t see true value.
Alana — I think this topic resonates for any of us that do even a modest amount of networking. I don’t mean to be harsh, but I can’t see any reason why it should be your responsibility to confirm the meeting the day before – especially if the other person has requested the meeting. Maybe these people who failed to show don’t work in a professional office environment, but would it ever be protocol for a colleague or superior to send a reminder about a scheduled meeting?
I’m not sure if a calendar invitation was sent so that it was on both of your calendars, but if I request a meeting I always send one and if the meeting was requested I always ask the requester to do so.
I also agree with Shawn Kinkade’s take on second chances, and I’d be very interested in your thoughts on that.
Alana,
Thank you for your candidate and honest post. I’m sitting with mixed feelings. One feeling validated that I feel the same way you do about people keeping their commitments. The other feeling frustrated for you and relating to it very well for the times where I’ve been stood up or someone has been running late and not communicated.
I love your sense of responsibility of what you can do on the front end to minimize this. Then again I’m conflicted because I often find myself taking responsibility for other people‘s lack of responsibility. Even when I have implemented some of those measures still, I’ve been stood up. Like you, I started thinking is it me. And then I realized from various circumstances that it really has nothing to do with me. If a person decided they didn’t want to meet they could call and let me know. So standing someone up, there’s just no excuse for it. I have literally ended relationships over it. Maybe that’s harsh. That’s just where I’ve arrived at in this stage of my life.
For I feel it boils down to basic civility and common courtesy. If we lose that we lose genuine positive regard for one another.
Fingers crossed that culturally we will all step it up by respecting one another’s time. I close by reiterating thank you for your candid and honest post. I hope my candid and honest response does not offend anyone.
My best,
Roben
Wow, friends! This post really touched a nerve! Not only have you all delivered with comments here on the blog site, I’ve also received several comments on the socials.
The burning question seems to be: Do you give people a second chance?
The answer: It depends.
While I would like to take a hard line on this and say a resolute, “no,” truth told, if I was the one to do the standing up, I would want a second chance. That said, if I am stood up, it is not going to be me who coordinates the new date — that is going to fall to the person who failed to appear at the agreed up on time. So, while the true answer lies in the circumstances and the follow up, my suggestion is to be appropriately forgiving if the perpetrator is genuinely apologetic and makes an effort to reschedule.
Alana,
This is a great topic for discussion and I cannot anyone (especially one who initiated the meeting) to stand you up. Im wondering now if those 3 people saw this post?! I think I will include this topic in professionalism skills for CAPS Business students next year.
Ken posted some great tips – to always make sure a calendar invitation has been sent ti confirm the meeting.
I’m like you – I rarely send a reminder msg the day before. But in your 3 cases – those msgs should have been sent by the mtg initiators, right?
As someone who manages 4 email accounts, I have often forwarded my calendar invitations to another email account – to make sure the mtg gets on the right calendar. (Why four accounts? Because many teachers have side-gigs and mine are as an adjunct at 2 local universities in addition to CAPS – so that’s 3 work accounts plus my personal one)!
That happened to me more times than I care to count when I was running my consultancy; one memorably unself-aware person even pulled it twice. Needless to say, there was no third chance. The most galling were the “brain pickers” who asked me to carve out valuable time from an already packed day—essentially for a free consult—only to no-show or bail at the last minute. I do not miss that part of the business.