My friend Allan has mastered something most advice-givers miss entirely. When people come to him with a challenge, he doesn’t tell them what they should do. Instead, he says, “Here’s what I would do if I were in your shoes…”
That subtle shift changes everything.
“Should” carries weight – obligation, judgment, the implicit message that there’s a right answer and you’re expected to follow it. But “if I were you” acknowledges a fundamental truth: Allan isn’t you. He doesn’t live with the consequences of your decisions. He’s simply sharing what he’d consider in your position, then returning the decision-making power exactly where it belongs – with you.
This approach respects that you’re the expert on your own life. You understand the nuances of your situation, your values, your risk tolerance, and your priorities in ways no advisor ever could. Allan’s framework gives you another perspective to consider without diminishing your own judgment.
The best part? This works both ways – whether you’re receiving guidance or offering it.
When receiving advice, listen for helpers who present options rather than directives. The people who say “have you considered…” or “in my experience…” rather than “you need to…” are giving you tools, not taking away your agency. Take what resonates, leave what doesn’t, and trust yourself to synthesize wisdom from multiple sources.
When giving advice, try Allan’s approach. Share your thinking process rather than your conclusions. Acknowledge that your perspective is limited by your own experience. Say “if I were in your shoes” or “one thing you might consider” instead of “you should.” Give people room to be the ultimate authority on their own decisions.
The goal of good guidance isn’t compliance – it’s clarity.
Happy Networking!